DEACTIVATING ESKRIDGE-THE SERIES PRT 4: Distructive Discovery; His New Love
By Brittney Baker
"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."
"He has a girlfriend." I said it a thousand times, hoping it wasn't true. In an effort to save my Marriage, I eliminated social media and requested the same of him. It became a big contribution to our demise. Fast forward a couple months, we're now officially, legally separated (although our 2nd separation) and I hadn't seen him in over 6 weeks, and had no idea what his living situation was. Being naive, and hopeful for our healing, another woman was not on my radar. I just knew he loved me more than that. Even with all the mistakes, I was confident he respected me more than that..or so I thought..
It was a few days before an impromptu vacation to Hawaii and I knew I wanted to document my experience. After a year, I logged back into Facebook to my worst nightmare. Right then and there, like the bite of 20 Degree weather in New York, like the excruciating pain of a broken limb, like the stun of the sudden loss of a loved one, I was paralyzed. I was paralyzed by pain, shock, anguish, I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. Right there in his profile were recent photos of "Them". I was in the midst of a family celebration, and was beyond ashamed. I couldn't cry, so I cried quietly inside.
Then I became engulfed with rage. One of his captions read, "She keeps a smile on face everyday Bruh." Really?! I guess my 7 years never did that? That bitter woman started to surface. My body became so hot, I felt physically ill. For what seemed like hours, I starred at the photos, defiantly, knew it was unhealthy for me. I started complimenting her, destroying myself even more mentally. "She has more confidence than you", "She dresses better than you." "She's prettier than you." "He was ashamed of you, but proud to call her his." Further into my destructive mental behavior, I saw family members of his , family I thought adored me, or at least respected me as his wife, liking, commenting, just down right accepting this new situation. Did they know..? OMG, they knew! The tears and pain took control. I was dying inside. It was really happening. This love I invested so much in and was so proud to be apart of, was ending. He moved on, and...my marriage was over.
I continued to stare. I went back and forth, trying to figure out when this happened? Was it the first separation? Was it when I found the unused condoms in the trash? Was she in our home? When? You never know how deep your depression is until you are in the thick of it. My mind told me I wasn't going to make it through this. The entire drive home I said to myself, "You are so worthless, you had one job. That was to be that Man's everything, and you failed." I couldn't stomach the site of myself. "You don't deserve to see tomorrow, God handed you your purpose and you failed him. Just go, end this." Heart pounding, face swollen, my mind was was made.
Then my friend Jonnisha just so happened to text me while I was in route home. I don't even think I responded to her message, I just sent a screen shot of "Them" with sad faces. "Girl, F$#K him, that's her headache now, he'll see what he lost soon enough, you'll be good Britt." I chuckled, but surely wasn't surprised at her response. I expected that. No one would see my failure, only his obvious disrespect. The rage came back (like it actually ever left) and I messaged a mutual friend of ours "Did you know?". Then moments later, I texted my best friend Brittane the photo and her exact words were, "Wow....SMH, where are you friend? I'm coming." All in the same moment, that mutual friend of ours returned my text with a call instead, he was concerned. He let me be angry, cry, curse, and then simply said, "I had no idea, I'm so sorry you are finding out like this."
I got off the phone, looking for something to carry out my plan. Should I look for my Brother's gun? What about pills, I can go to sleep, and my parents will think it happened in my sleep. As I ransacked my Brother's old room, Brittane called "I'm outside". She had no idea, no clue I was considering ending my life at that very moment. We sat in her car, and she helped me push through every emotion I was experiencing. Jonnisha had no idea how her ability to make me chuckle with a face full of tears soothed my pain. Our mutual friend's call, concern, and support assisted God in halting the Devils plan! They saved me, in that instant their effortless, yet impactful reactions helped save my life. Support is crucial during this process.
For weeks, months, I continued with a destructive mentality. I would search for them on social media and find out details about her, and their relationship. It was all very toxic. Clarity was what I was searching for, closure was what I needed, but it was no where to be found. For the life of me I couldn't wish bad on them. I never once felt obliged to contact her, tell her who I was, explain my side, or my logic. All I kept saying as I cried, as I made myself physically ill was, "Lord, please let him be better for her, then at least I know he heard me, at least what I endured wasn't in vain, Lord, please make him better in all aspects of his life."
He eventually reached out to me, and I was able to gather some peace of mind. He told me he gravitated towards the person who uplifted him the most in his darkest hour. What a smack in the face, right? However, I understood him. See, I was so busy trying to fix our Marriage, I wasn't allowing him to fix himself. Pressure was always on. He just wasn't ready for it all. I still believe he is a good man. Of course I felt really conflicted about this, but knew I needed to move forward. My anger wouldn't let me though. I was so mad! Hurt doesn't even sum it up. Depression became more than just a word.
I began talking more, becoming less ashamed. Revealing my truth. Not exposing his, but truly letting my heart breathe. I prayed for them. When the hate or spiteful thoughts would enter, I would pray. Slowly, those bitter feelings diminished. Now, please don't get confused, they still exist, just not as often. When those emotions would rush in I would take to my Bible, Google various verses and dissect meanings, or write. Then there would be the calls to his Mom, talks with my Mom, crying sessions with my Friends, or emotionally engaging chats with co workers. The support system I had and was able to maintain was truly all in God's plan. Keep the support. It will distract you from being mentally destructive.
God is hilarious, sometimes you don't have to be the bitter person, he will be for you. Tamar Braxton released a song called "Catfish" that I'm sure tons of women can relate to. I giggled the first time I heard it. Everything I wanted to say, every evil emotion I wanted to have was all depicted there. Suicide is never the answer. If you or anyone has ever experienced those thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. You can call The National Suicide Hotline at :18002738255. Get help, don't be embarrassed, you are not alone.
I encourage anyone who has experienced destructive mental behavior like I did to ask yourself, what do I need right now? Why am I being a masochist. For me it was all about my heart, and invested time. I needed to understand why I wasn't enough. Recently, I had a weak moment, and took the Internet for clarity. I discovered "They" are actively trying to have a child together. I also saw some things about their sex life that was just downright devastating. However, something else was exposed. MY MISERY. I was in a miserable state of mind and knew I didn't want to be there. So.. I prayed and prayed some more, ate some popcorn, then prayed some more LOL. God has always been right on time, and it feels like this battle has been going on for an eternity. I just know it will all make sense in the end. My faith continues to grow. I met a few people (Stay tuned for my Dating after Divorce Chronicles) and I see God working. Most importantly, I see the progress in myself. I will continue to wish them well, and pray. My bitter moments aren't over. When they surface, I just read a bible verse and turn "Catfish" up real loud.
"Baby I know the real you, Don't Flex! She's going to know the real you too, Don't Flex!"