Deactivating Eskridge: Mission Complete! #DEACTIVATED
By Brittney Baker
I love you. As heavy as my heart gets, my love for you remains strong. Prepping to write this, I visited a familiar place, The AMC Dine In Theaters. You remember how much we adored that place? In the lounge I sat, alone, reminiscing over a mojito. I could hear your voice, "Gbaby, don't get lit, you'll be sleep before the previews go off. Wait, you're going to sleep anyway." LOL. My mind has been playing tricks on me. I left, face full of tears and completely bewildered.
I expected to wake up from this very realistic dream; only to roll over and tell you about it. But I didn't, It's reality and still unbelievable. I promised you I would stop running from my pain and face it, if you would do the same. I pray you've gotten better at that.
Gbaby forgiving you is such a challenge, but I'm determined to do it. In the beginning I wanted our marriage restored. Choices we've both made, have made that impossible. Now, all I want to do is grow from this experience and pray you do also.
Bittersweet is how I describe our demise. While I don't miss the negative, I miss seeing you grow and fight for something you wanted. Last time we spoke you said, "You deserved way better than me." I hated hearing you say that, and I hated feeling like it was true; I wanted you to be perfect for me, I wanted to be perfect for you. In no way am I saying I was too good for you, I just knew our compatibility was off. I felt I could iron out those wrinkles in your life, but it wasn't my job to do. I miss seeing your smile, miss fussing with you about things in our home, miss seeing you dance, miss yelling, "KEITH ALLEN" when I was upset about something.
You've hurt me beyond belief. This entire process has made me angry, but also helped build something so much stronger- MY SELF WORTH! I'm worthy, I'm deserving, I am and was important, I mattered. Day in and day out I want to hear from you. I know it's wrong, but I do. I stare at my "Blocked Messages" hoping a message appears. My heart belonged to you for so long; and now, it can't anymore. I must move on. The deactivation has come to its final stages.
I yearned to learn, and be better, but I know I enabled and stunted your growth in so many ways. I pray you can forgive me for that one day. If I could talk to the 23 year old me, I would tell her to learn your love language first. Figure out what you needed most, and allow you to be the man only you knew how to be. The 25 year old new Bride would learn how to pray for you instead of being full of instructions and guidance.
Although the State of California has made divorcing you so painful and difficult (Yup, we're still married, more papers and signatures required) I'm determined to bring 2016 in as a "Divorced" woman, on a healing quest.
Your honesty in our last talk was crucial. Hearing you say you want a child with someone else was a hard pill to swallow; and the exact fuel I needed to continue to push forward. For years, I pleaded with God to change my health issues. I would give anything to be able to bare children for you. Not being able to give you that blessing weighed heavy on my heart, but today, I stand proud, and free of that burden. God makes no mistakes, and while being a Mother was a constant dream, God knew our union wasn't capable. You're going to be an amazing Father.
I moved you to California excited about the amazing things "WE" could do, now I'll remain excited about all YOU will do.
Marriage is still something I desire and believe in. I pray you don't allow the negativity of this journey to shift your mentality about love. I refuse to and know I have too much love in me not to get this right eventually.
My heart will always want you safe.
I pray your Girlfriend is just as strong, kind, patient and tolerant as I was. I hope she can get a good grasp on how to handle you and all that requires.
Thank you for the experience, love you forever for the memories. This journey will be cherished forever. The good, bad, ugly, and in between.
From Little Rock, AR to Arlington, TX all the way to Inglewood, CA we experienced so much of life with each other. May all your dreams come true, and I hope California can help your accomplish them faster. When you're out and about, smelling that Cali air, enjoying the sunny skies, and amazing weather, never forget about the Inglewood chick that fought tooth and nail to make it all happen. You're probably rolling your eyes, thinking, "There she goes reminding me of what she's done." Well, like Omari eloquently says, "Now that's #facts no printer" #noshade
It's time I close this chapter. Always understand the magnitude of my fight, my sincerity, my passion, my Genuine Love. Behave, and be careful chasing that greener pasture.
Now hit em with the whammy!!
(I still can't get that damn dance right lol)
Brittney DEACTIVATED Eskridge
To My Deacativatee's
Detaching from a spouse is never easy. I'm still learning and figuring it all out. Death seemed easier at some points. You have to decide, no matter the circumstance, to chose you. All the research, advice, crying and anger won't change the fact that YOU MATTER. On my quest I've developed, not a thicker skin, but a thicker soul.
My journey is no where near over, and I'm beyond excited to see what else is in store.
Quick recap on my path to Deactivation:
1. Pray for wisdom and guidance
2. Be transparent
3. Be accepting
4. Address anxiety
5. Live in your truth
6. Keep a strong and reliable support system.
7. BE LOVE ( My Favorite )
I've nearly made it to the finish line (Not a scratch on me) you can do it, you are IMPORTANT and WORTH IT.
Thanks for joining me on this ride! Stay tuned for what this Genuine Gemini has in store!