Changing Seasons, Changing Spaces, and Filing Divorce Papers! #LIFE
California has been zero fun at "Falling into fall". Forecast ranges 90-99 degrees daily! I'm so confused, is it still summer? Usually this change in season brings a flood of emotions to me. Excitement to wear boots and coats, the pressure to eat healthy (Thanksgiving is coming and food will be destroyed), and of course preparing for Christmas. I never knew this fall would start off so cloudy and downright painful. Let me back up for minute, and share one of several mentally excruciating days in my journey of divorce.
I sat on the stairs and watched the last piece of furniture be taken out of our residence. I was doing good with my emotions and hadn't broken down much. Anger was fueling me. Why was this happening? I wasn't alone, but it felt like it. My future Ex Husband and I were avoiding seeing each other. He hadn't been home for awhile. Most of his belongings were still there. Summer was about to begin, my 30th Birthday was approaching, both usually excited me, not this time. I was merely a vessel, living day to day, numb to all that was transpiring. Brittane (My right hand, and AMAZING friend) was coming back upstairs from taking another load. She sat next to me and just embraced me. I couldn't hold it in anymore, mentally I'd had it. "You did all you could Friend, you did all you could. God will fix this, I love you, we'll get through this". I felt imprisoned with emotions, the tears flooded my face like a category 5 hurricane. That empty residence represented much more than a place I will no longer live, it represented the loss of love, my friend, my partner, my other half.
Headed back to the home I grew up in, (With the most amazing Parents a girl could ask for), was more challenging now than ever. See, being in my Parents home wasn't the problem, being there without him was. We'd lived with them for awhile during a failed separation. I moved back in for a moment, but he was still always around. As I followed the truck carrying my belongings, I remember saying, "It's time." As long as I held on, I will drown in doubt, I would die in desire, and I would panic from the pain.
So back to the four walls I was all too familiar with. Everyday, a different emotion happened. Devastation, hate, animosity, then guilt. Oh the guilt was the strongest. I was not praying, only crying.
One day I woke up and decided my atmosphere had to change. It started off simple, I changed the bedspread and re arranged things in my closet, and dressers. Amazingly, that little discreet change jilted my spirit. Even though I was feeling better, I still prolonged filing..didn't want it to be real. In fact, I couldn't stomach doing it. My mother filed on my behalf. I prepared the packet (which is a frustrating process altogether that I'll discuss soon) and cowardly avoided any parts of the process. My advice to anyone preparing for this journey; take charge, be stronger, go and face it all.
As fall settles in, I've learned to start with little changes first, before expecting the massive ones. This applies not only to my heart, but my living environment. Embrace your space, embrace your environment.
Are you going through a tough transition, this fall? Share your story, you are not alone!